Pieces of dreams keep coming back to me. My hair was so long it touched the skin on my back, in a warm, ticklish, tender way. That's a sensation I have not felt in at least 15 months, but one that I think everyone should feel at some point in their life.
I had my nipples pierced and I was smiling and pulling up my shirt. I often dream that my friends are getting tattoos, that people come and go, and that we travel together to unfamiliar places. Recently, I had a dream where I felt real love for someone I have not seen in a long time. It was dark inside, her hair was all over my face, and I was suffocating and spitting out the strands... I felt scared, but beneath my insecurities I knew I really loved her. It's odd when you realize there are such vivid moments that never actually happened, but are still catalogued in your memory, somewhere, being chewed up and processed, and often forgotten. I could try and forge some meaning out of these things, or string the fragments together in an eloquent chain of imagery so sweet and wild, but there are already so many obsessive thoughts for me to ruminate on in the real world. These troubles get so contorted the more I try to iron them out and understand them, so maybe it would be better that I wring out my dreams instead of ruining the memories of things that actually happened to me. I wonder what I'll dream of tonight... Maybe regret will seep in; I carelessly stumbled through a risky conversation. I feel like a car crash, or a tornado, or a clumsy, reckless drunk. Maybe I'll dream about some fear of hurting those that I love, some fear that's supposed guide my actions with a selfless, reserved grace, but instead makes me paralyzed and ashamed at any attempt to preserve my well-being.
Last year on one of our birthdays (I cant remember who’s) we wandered aimlessly around the city and I was in love and full of heartache. That feels like a world away now!!
Stuck in my head:
"There's a light in every dark scary room..."
- Pete Helmis