9.25.23 at 11:55 am: Rituals
this morning I shot two doses of ash up each nostril. it's such a unique sensation that every time feels like my first, although the smell is something you'll never forget. i've heard it compared to stinky feet, but to me it's more earthy, like psilocybin, and somewhat pungent. if you've ever smelled ground up reishi mushroom, it's kind of like that. anyway, after a deep breath, i administer it with a quick, sharp burst of air to launch the ash into my nasal passages. the powder stings up past the bridge of my nose and into the back of my head. It makes my eyes water one at a time. my eyeliner begins to run and I smudge it with the back of my finger, underlining the dark circles beneath my eyes.
With each shot of powder, the pain pierces sharp like a needle: clean, precise, but lingering in a way that tickles your nerves and makes you want to sneeze. it's the kind of pain that forces itself into the center of your attention, localized in time and place. you can trace it as it hits through each membrane. in this way, a grounding effect takes place.
The pleasure i derive from this ritual, if you can call it pleasure, lies in its forumlaic nature. It's anticipation and release intended to supplement a dose of aspirin and coffee. i'm trying to reconstruct my personhood which, upon awaking, I found fractured by a night of poor sleep.
i'm not sure if it's the pain, the process, or the substance itself that makes me feel calm, but suddenly the sleepless feeling leaves my head. my life as of late has been speckled with days like this: days I greet lazily, wanting desperately to bring my mind and body up to speed. my conscience is marked by efforts to pick up its own pieces and reassemble them, clumsily but ever so thoughtfully, until their union suggests the vague shadow of a whole. as my ritual draws to a close, I'm pleased by my success - just enough ego has been drawn out of my foggy shell, and now I have enough personhood to work with for today.